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General rules of this journal:

I will not friend anyone back unless they comment on this (or some other) entry with a request.

All fic posts will remain public. All private posts are friendslocked for the time being.

All my fic can be found here.

If I don't get back to any comments or questions in timely fashion, please consider that I'm on GMT time, in addition to being a university student with a full schedule.

I'm all for meeting new friends, so please comment if you want to friend me.



Forks in the road

I want to start blogging again. I've been thinking about it for a while, and I think it's a good habit to have... My main hurdle right now is to figure out the how and the where.

There's a lot of water under this particular bridge.

This journal is ten years old. I started blogging here at barely twenty, and I find reading my back entries simultaneously embarrassing and difficult. Even the very latest post are hard for me to read.

I turned thirty last year. I've been battling depression for more than half my life now, plus the assorted complications that tend to develop alongside long term mood disorder.

But it's a life. It's just a matter of getting on with it.

My parents still manage to find a perplexing variety of methods to frustrate me in new and exciting ways, often many times a week. I feel like my options at this point are either to stop complaining about them, or write a bestselling novel about familial codependent disorder.
I own a flat with my fiance now, and I'm a full time (evil) stepmother, since his biological mother currently resides in Japan. I miss traveling at whim like I would miss a limb, but other than that, I feel at home.

I went back to university part time this year. I am now a practicing Buddhist.

I grew up when I wasn't watching.

I'm not sure I can keep this journal and reflect that. I want to write about other things. I still probably would like to have a safe space to rant about things that frustrate me, but the difference is, I am no longer sure that's the best thing to do, for me or for anyone.

What do you guys think? Should I use this space, since I have it? Should I move to WordPress or Dreamwidth or somewhere else I haven't thought of?

(no subject)

Shivers Nausea Disorientation Rapid Heartbeat Vivid dreams
Aphasia Drowsiness Itching Taste changes Balance issues
Fatigue Chills FREE PASS Decreased sexual desire Insomnia
Headaches Hypersensitivity Derealization Dry Mouth Hypersomnia
Heartburn Mania Irritability Constipation Yawning

Not in this table: Lack of focus/concentration, Diarrhea, Depersonalization, Weakness, Dizziness, Weight Loss, Increased Anxiety, Muscle Cramps, Excessive Sweating, Shaking hands, Weight Gain, Appetite Loss.

Let's have a look... damn, no bingo.

It never rains.

I am not doing side effect bingo now, because I'm on the tablet and .html is annoying on this keyboard. Also, I'm having new and exciting side effects I've never had before, and they aren't in the list I use for the table... like irritability! At least irritability is an emotion, though - I'm transitioning into flatness now, and I can honestly say I'd much rather spend the next three weeks wanting to kill things than feeling nothing. I can control wanting to kill things!

Also, aphasia. It doesn't seem to come through in my typing, but conversations are hard. I keep fucking up basic grammar and ending up with sentences that start in the middle and sort of meander before coming to a beginning. Very annoying.

The depression is hard to cope with, and it doesn't help that the time I picked to transition between meds has so far been full of stress. I'm holding it together personally, but I'm hanging onto sanity by a thread at work, also simply because a lot of things have gotten mixed up, and wading through the fog to fix up the books and get the numbers to align isn't exactly helping my general outlook.

I hope the new meds work, I really do.

(no subject)

Diarrhea Headaches Hypersensitivity Disorientation Nausea
Dizziness Constipation Weight gain Anxiety Hypersomnia
Vivid dreams Dry Mouth FREE PASS Rapid Heartbeat Balance issues
Shaking hands Drowsiness Decreased Sexual desire Muscle cramps Appetite loss
Taste Changes Weight loss Mania Heartburn Insomnia

Not in this table: Fatigue, Weakness.

I'm having some of these already, psychosomatically. ::sigh::


It has been a very long time since my last post. I was, in fact, almost determined to take a step back, let it rest, post the occasional meme every now and then, but mostly just give it up.

Except I'm tired. I'm the kind of tired that tears you up inside when you try to suppress it, the kind of sad that crushes my mind inward to make space for itself at the edges of my consciousness.

It's not very bad yet. It might not even get very bad, this time. I'm not due another big one until 2015, so this is jumping the gun quite a bit. Of course, one could always argue that this was leftover detritus from 2011, but considering everything that's gone on in the past two months, while I'll admit to the inclination for melancholy and that the events of 2011 will probably always cause me soul-destroying grief when I think about them, I have been dealt a hand lately that would be hard on just about anyone. There have been ups, and what ups they have been, but it's a daily, maddening slog at the moment and I have to work for every happiness.

The odd thing about being depressed is that you end up with distorted notions of what constitutes "difficulty". In May 2011 I couldn't get out of bed because it was too difficult. Today, I feel like life is immensely difficult in many ways, but I'm getting out of bed on schedule, going to work and generally coping with life.

That's probably because honestly, my life is really fucking difficult at the moment. It feels kind of odd to say that - when you're depressed, you're so often admitting to hardships coping with everyday, ordinary things that most people can usually cope with no problem, like getting dressed or (my mortal enemy) brushing my teeth. People who have never come face to face with these shadows in their own lives have trouble empathizing with this sometimes, not because they're not trying to understand, but because, when they evaluate based on their own life, on the difficulty scale, these things all fall into "doable on automatic". They don't understand how something they just do can stop someone like me cold in their tracks, failing to notice all the little steps involved that cause a person in the throes of a mental illness paralysis by anxiety.

And so this is what you get used to; people not being able to understand how your problems register as such, while their usual issues that get them down are so out of scale for someone depressive as to be rendered almost completely meaningless.

Which, in and of itself is hard to deal with, but gets kind of fucked when you actually get better from your depression and start dealing with NonCrazy issues again, and you run into stuff that most people would actually consider difficult, but your scale is still set so that a load of laundry is likely to register as "DANGER WILL ROBINSON" even though that hasn't happened in months, and stuff anywhere from "cooking a balanced meal for dinner" to "getting the primary legal custody of a child more or less unexpectedly, with little prep time" just returns an "Error: value outside parameters, consider revising" reading.

And you sort of maybe think "oh, maybe I should get that fixed," in that abstract way, except you never do, and then shit happens and you're all "this doesn't register on my scale of problems", blithely not realizing that this? THIS IS THE NORMAL PEOPLE SCALE. You are legitimately allowed to have issues and absolutely nobody will be surprised. Like, surprise: INSTANT NINE YEAR OLD would throw just about anybody off their game.

Not to mention that I've also bought an apartment, done renovations on said apartment, changed jobs at my workplace, bought a car, moved, gotten a cat and tried to settle husband and cub down into a routine all since the beginning of July, not to mention the extra laundry, the sudden descent into step-mom-hood, the abrupt need for a very clear routine and habits (I suck at this) and I can't just skip making dinner because I feel like it anymore... well. Am I wrong in thinking that most people would be overwhelmed, if only a little?

And then my parents, because, you know, I didn't have enough on my plate already, decide that this is the optimal time to go freakyweird.

Unfortunately for them, I just don't have the time or energy to spend on anyone who's being actively unhelpful, so they're getting backburnered. I have to keep reminding myself that they're freakyweird and that how they see my life is actually not even close to accurate or how I see it, and that they're not helpful these days, so to expect that. At this point, I can't take on the responsibility for explaining things to them, and while I wish I could help them, they still need to admit that they need help understanding what's going on in my life. I don't see that genuinely happening any time soon.

I just need to get on with my life, and ignore all judgement but my own.

It would help, though, if someone got me a bigger plate.

Help me with a prank?

Okay, so you guys know that I'm working at my dad's, right?

Anyway, it's a guys' guy workplace kind of environment, and while I'm very capable of holding my own, it's not like my asides about gendered language are going to stick with them.

So I'm just going to traumatize them, instead. I need pictures. Pretty men, pretty girls especially (I don't tend to collect those as much), funny pics. I'm planning to make a REALLY TRAUMATIZING screensaver.

Anyone willing to share their pretties folder?

Supernatural, again.

So, I flaked out on SPN last season. They were driving me crazy and not in the good way.

Now the LHB is here, we thought we might try to catch up and finish the season.

First reaction to SPN Season 6, episode 16:

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So this evening I opened up NHK world to check the status of typhoon Ma-on which has been dumping water on me and hildigunnur for the past two days.

At the same time, I also opened up all my fannish sites.

And then switched from one to the other, and got mightily confused for a moment, because well, you don't expect fandom to invade the headlines, do you?

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Other news must wait, because I have not yet processed them properly and therefore an unable to accurately report them.

Right. Gleeks? I need you.

Do you guys have like, a Gleek symbol that I can project into the sky? No? What a shame.

Anyway. According to tradition, at the end of every school year, there is a School Festival, where the English club puts on a musical. This year's signups for the English club were such that we only have nine seniors and a whole bunch of juniors, so I need something fairly easy to tackle. (Read: Singing together/spoken parts ratio needs to be unusually high.)

Ergo, Glee - because it needs to be something familiar that the kids can relate to.

Suggest me episodes? I need something with a fairly well-contained storyline - preferably something about reaching your dreams and everybody being friends, not the heavy ones (When I say Juniors I mean 6-8 years old, and Seniors are 8-10 years old) and preferably something cheerful and uplifting. The songs need to be fairly clean - we'll probably not sing any song as a whole song, so there's always the possibility of editing out that questionable stanza about sex, as long as one stanza is clean - and I'd need something that the parents won't shout at me for. I'm afraid this leaves out much of the Kurt storyline, to my shame *pouts*.

I don't watch the show very often - occasionally my friendslist will be abuzz over an episode - but I am familiar with the characters, so.

Internet to the rescue? Help?
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